Discovery Number 1: Hormones, Wondrous Hormones.
Simply stated for the smart folks as "a chemical released by a cell in one part of the body of an organism that sends out messages that affect cells in other parts of the organism." Lie. This should clearly read: "A chemical released by a cell in one part of the body of an organism that sends out messages that affect everyone within 2 feet of said organism. Negatively."
Hormones are responsible for the most unpleasant parts of pregnancy. Whether it be the "zero to raging bitch in 60 seconds days" or the senseless crying over your husband buying the "tissues without lotion" on accident. Hormones make your daily life miserable. Hands down. There is nothing you can do to stop it either. My suggestion is that if you feel that your spouse is not understanding, patient and ready to deal with 9+ months of total and outright bullshit, I would make plans to discuss the division of your assets ASAP.
I am lucky enough to be blessed with a wonderful, compassionate and understanding husband who, through all my moments of anger, rage, tears and hyperventilation, somehow saw the hilarity in it all. Although, that made me even more angry at the time.
Discovery Number 2: I Hate Cell Phones.
I remember getting my first cell phone at 17. Calling everyone while sitting NEXT to the home phone in my bedroom. Somehow it was just cooler. Then came text messaging, What? Why actually TALK to someone when you can send little abbreviated messages that are something like ignorant codes that you can spend 5 minutes deciphering!?
Nowadays, I feel like I am totally and completely dependent on my cell phone and it sucks. No better way to give everyone 100% access to you 100% of the time than a cell phone. A glorious, little lighted rectangle that completely controls you. Consumes you. ANNOYS YOU. No matter what ringtone you choose, text message alert you choose, volume level you choose, it is still there. Beeping!, dinging! and ringing! Ready to disrupt your MUCH NEEDED NAP or better yet, break from humanity. I know what you are thinking, "Why don't you just turn it off." "HAHA" I say to my dear friends. Have you met my family? Cops would be on my porch in less than 3 hours if I didn't answer my phone. A) because I have PROBABLY gone into labor and didn't tell anyone. Meaning that I have somehow managed to drive myself to the hospital on my own. Or B) I have fallen down the stairs, slipped in the kitchen, gotten stuck under the bed, you name it. The irrational and worrisome thoughts of a Carman are endless. Trust me. I often find myself thinking them. Henry will love this when he and his friends are out driving and I call to make sure that his shoelaces are tied tight so they don't get wrapped around the brake pedal. (This is an actual comment from my grandmother upon getting into the car to drive for the first time on my own.)
Rest assured, I generally try to answer my phone when I hear it and I generally enjoy hearing from people every now and again. If I hear it and still don't answer it, you hung up before I could get my fat ass off the chair to answer it.....and that is NOT my fault. You should not be so impatient and hang up so quickly. "Just put the phone next to the chair, isn't that the most sensible thing to do?" Sensible is not, and has not been on the agenda since this reverse effect tapeworm took residence in my belly. <3
Discovery Number 3: Irrational Fears.
I was told that this never goes away, that it comes with being a mom. However, I would like to think that the intensity of these fears will at least subside. Last irrational fear? Not having enough socks. Keep in mind, my baby is due in August. I woke up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night crying because I didn't have any baby socks. This somehow lead me to believe that I was the worst parent on the planet. Case and point, these thoughts and fears obviously have an underlying meaning. I mean, it's not like I am going to be responsible for another human being or anything. The reality is that your brain has to prepare you somehow, and crazy thoughts are the best way I suppose. Thanks brain.
Discovery Number 4: Stranger Danger.
Being pregnant somehow entitles every Tom, Dick and Harry....or I should say Mary, Martha and Agnes the right to ask you a long list of personal questions. I should also add that being pregnant also gives complete and total strangers the right to touch you. Let me repeat that. TOUCH YOU. Never in my life have I feared going to the supermarket for fear of being asked about my weight, swollen feet or bulging belly. Only once since my pregnancy has an adorable old woman understood what personal space was and simply asked "when I was due" and simply added, "I think you look beautiful." I could have scooped her up with a spoon. If everyone acted like that, it would certainly be a fun ego boost. However, it is the other rude ass, nosy women who just want to compare you to their daughters, nieces, daughter-in-laws and Cat that I have a problem with. Yes, I said cat. Some creepy lady said that I should not be driving alone because her cat at home carried as low as me and gave birth early. Case and point, nothing in life can prepare you for the amount of attention a pregnant body receives. For me, it is not welcomed. I have NEVER liked to state the "weekly state of my cervix" to total strangers and I have certainly NEVER liked to have my belly rubbed like a Buddha statue in the dairy isle at Meijer. I don't even like people I know to touch my stomach without asking. It is PERSONAL SPACE. Leave it alone!
Discovery Number 5: Mother Gorilla Syndrome Is NOT a Joke.
Right now, I am in my last weeks of pregnancy. I want nothing more than to be "un-pregnant" and be able to see and hold my son. However, upon reflecting on that statement, that means that other people can SEE and HOLD my son, and that sends me into a nervous panic. What? Others will want to touch my baby?! No, he's mine! I will not share! They cannot be in tune to his every need or be able to know what his cries mean......after all they LET HIM CRY!!! Yes, these are all very real thoughts that have crossed my mind. I know they are totally unwarranted, but unless you have been pregnant there is really no way of explaining it. I know that it is totally healthy and that with time they will pass. I can say though that these thoughts rise and fall with the sun...and are either heightened or diminished with daily conversations and comments. The fact that I will be returning to work....starting a new job on top of that in a few short weeks after he is born is not helping my mind ease these thoughts. So for future reference no one should ever say things to me like "We will take him to the zoo when it gets cooler while you are at work." or make jokes about how mama doesn't have to know." Yes. Mama does have to know. Mama has to know every sound, movement, coo, cry, poop and pee her baby makes. I already feel like I am giving up a lot so let's not rub it in.
Discovery Number 6: Kids Really Are Expensive.
When we first found out that we were pregnant, Matt and I totally and completely freaked out and didn't tell anyone. Not because we were about to be responsible for another human being, but because we had JUST browsed the baby section at Target just WEEKS before for a baby shower gift for a friend. We were dead set on not having kids and made fun of the ridiculously high prices for useless crap like swaddling blankets, bottle warmers, and whatever the hell a "sleep sheep" is. Anyway, to that I say ♫Instant Karma's gonna get you!♫
We were more concerned with not being able to afford nice things that we really couldn't relish in the moment of finding out that we were actually going to be parents. I found out I was pregnant at the doctor's office. I made an appointment because I had heartburn that radiated from my toes. I wanted Nexium, but settled with a prescription for prenatal vitamins. How sweet, our first expense! $45 dollar vitamins that actually cost $52 by time you buy the Colace to offset the wonderful side effects.
Anyway. This discovery comes with a little life lesson. You will NEVER have enough money for a kid. If you wait until you feel that you are "financially stable" you will be dead and the stability is being divided from your estate. Kids need love and affection more than they need a Broyhill "Life Stages" crib or a High Yield savings account before the age of 3. I never had either of those things, and I turned out just fine. (Granted Henry already has the latter, but I'm sorry, I will be paying for my own college education until I am 40, I don't recommend it.) I wish I would have cherished the moment I found out I was going to be a mom instead of trying not to think about it for fear that I couldn't afford it.
I will try to remember that over the next few weeks. I DREAD the hospital bills. The savings we worked so hard to build up over the past 5 years is rather puny. I haven't even paid off the prenatal care yet and I am weeks, if not days away from delivering. Oh well. Such is the life of an American. Health care or food right? I am sure that for all the troubles I have encountered while being pregnant, once it is over I will miss it. Pregnancy is such a unique experience, and to say that I survived it will certainly warrant an addition to my "list of things that I never knew I could do list." Here's hoping for a speedy delivery of a beautiful, happy and healthy baby.
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